Dockside Reflections

Over the last few days I've found it hard to stomach the "regular world." 

I typed this Sunday morning, a few days after the attacks on Paris. I was out on the bayou at a recording studio with a few friends who are working on a record.

I consider the place to be a meditation retreat for me - they of course don’t market it that way - however, it’s the type of place I can write and clear my head - a place where the only sounds are the music floating from the studio, a boat passing along the river or the bayou mosquitos buzzing by from time to time.

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The events in Paris had a profound effect on me. And I thought, I’m a tiny little cog in a great big universe and what does how I feel - a full ocean away - really matter? Lots of things felt sickening to me. The people, just like us, music lovers, out with their friends on a Friday night being attacked so gutlessly - 

and then another feeling started creeping in… I was having some serious wtf moments about all of the social sharing in those early moments. 

Like shouldn’t we be checking on our Parisian friends and reminding each other of the love we share rather than posting to Instagram and bickering on Facebook? Shouldn’t some of this stuff in our most vulnerable moments be kept a bit more private? Idk. Most of it was all well intentioned I know, sending out positive thoughts and care for a community that in just a few hours time was spiraling into immense suffering. However, it still felt odd - while I was in a place that’s best absorbed with a bit of disconnecting - I couldn’t even get my head clear because of the pace of the social media messaging that I was glued to. 

She was the most beautiful, complicated thing I’d ever seen. A tangled mess of silky string. And all I wanted of life, was to sit down cross-legged and untie her knots.
— Atticus Poetry

I returned home a few days later and read this article: “Sharing Our Knots: Vulnerability and Privacy in Relationships.”

And I think that’s when it hit me. We’re all beautiful, complicated knots - and we wish for a person, or persons to want to really "get" us. And in the time of constant updates, our knots are so incredibly out there.

So who are the ones to do the untangling? They’re so often faceless, on the other side of a phone screen. And that feels a bit wild and bizarre, and insanely complicated.... and still, comforting.

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I didn’t finish that post that day because I wasn’t sure I wanted to share my knotted-ness. That something that shows up for me in this space often, btw - the question of how and what to share in this social landscape. It’s a tight rope wire of insecurities and day to day intricacies…

So I spent time with my boyfriend that night talking about what was happening in my head. I count myself as a very lucky girl that he sees my spun silk and can untwist it so easily. 

And then I got past the stuff that was making me crazy, and reminded myself that no matter how we do it, treasuring each other, raising the vibration, and untangling each other can only move this complicated mess of a world in the right direction - knots and all.

xoxo,

Andi